The Date That Turned Into a Family Meeting

  

Let me tell you what happened to me one Sunday afternoon that I will never forget. You see, I had been talking to this fine girl called Efua for two weeks. Smart girl, pretty smile, and her WhatsApp DP always had motivational quotes like “A queen knows her worth” and “Soft life only.” 😌

I was not ready to fall in love, but my body said yes and my bank account said "please behave." Still, I wanted to impress her.

So I asked her out on a lunch date. She said yes quickly. Too quickly, actually. That should have been my first red flag 🚩.

I asked, “Where do you want us to meet?”

She replied, “Just come to my house. My mum is not around. Let’s chill.”

Now pause. When a girl says “Let’s chill,” you get excited, right? Me too. I put on my finest shirt (the one with only one button missing), sprayed some perfume (the one that smells like lemon and mosquito spray), and took a Bolt straight to her area.

I got to her gate and called her.

“Hello, I’m outside.”

“Okay, just push the gate. It’s open.”

I pushed it. The gate didn’t open easily. I nearly dislocated my shoulder. But I entered. Walked into the compound. Big house! I started praying small-small in my head: “God, please let me marry rich.”

Efua came out of the house wearing a simple dress. No makeup, no filter. Still fine. I smiled.

She smiled.

Then she said, “Come inside. Let me introduce you.”

Introduce who? 🙃

I thought maybe her dog or maybe her favorite plant. But no. We entered the hall and guess what I saw?

Ten people.

Yes, TEN. Sitting in a big circle. Looking serious. Looking like they were waiting for Jesus himself to arrive.

I froze.

Efua turned to me and said with a smile, “Everyone, meet Kwame.”

Then she added, “Kwame, this is my mum, my auntie, my cousin Cynthia, Uncle Joe, my grandma, my two younger brothers, my pastor’s wife, and my best friend Esi.”

I almost fainted 😵‍💫.

What is this? A date or a local parliament meeting?

The grandma looked at me from head to toe like I was a second-hand TV.

The uncle said, “So you are the one who wants to date our daughter?”

I didn’t even know I wanted to date her anymore 😭.

The mother said, “Sit down, my son.”

I sat down on a plastic chair that made noise like it was tired of life. My knees were shaking. My armpits were sweating. My brain was panicking.

Then the real meeting started.

Uncle Joe: “What job do you do?”

Me: “Erm… I’m into digital marketing and creative… things…”

Auntie: “So do you have a car?”

Me: “Not yet. But soon.”

Grandma: “Hmm. What’s your tribe?”

Why? Are we baking bread? 🥲

Pastor’s wife: “Can you pray in tongues?”

Me: “I—I can try.”

I looked at Efua with my eyes begging for help. She was just smiling like she was enjoying a Netflix series 🍿.

Then, her younger brother brought out his iPad and started recording. I asked, “What are you doing?”

He said, “We’re doing a family documentary.”

I said, “Brother, delete me from that episode.”

They brought food. Big bowls of jollof, fried fish, meat, salad. I forgot my pain for a second and started eating. Then I realized the food was a trap. Because the moment I picked my third piece of meat, the mother said:

“So you’re the type that likes meat eh?”

I almost choked 😩.

Then grandma started talking about how in her time, boys used to bring yams and schnapps when coming to visit. Not iPhones and bad manners.

I said, “I can bring yam next time.”

She didn’t laugh.

Then the cousin Cynthia pulled me aside and whispered, “Don’t worry. I also brought my boyfriend here once. They chased him with a broom.”

Now I was scared. But I smiled. Because the only way out was to survive.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, someone knocked on the door.

It was Efua’s ex-boyfriend 😐.

Yes. The man came carrying flowers and shouting, “Efua! I still love you! I made a mistake!”

The room went quiet.

I wanted the ground to open and swallow me. But the grandma stood up and shouted, “You again? You’re still coming here like a goat? Leave this place before I pour hot water on you!”

The ex ran away. I looked at Efua. She looked at me and said, “Ignore him. He’s not serious.”

I wanted to scream, “And you are?!”

But I was too tired.

Finally, after 2 hours and 45 minutes of family cross-examination, the mother said, “Okay, we like you. You can come again next week. But this time, bring malt and biscuits.”

Malt and biscuits? Ma’am, I don’t even have transport back home 😩.

As I left the house, Efua walked me out and said, “You did well. Most guys run away.”

I said, “I tried because I like you. But next time, just tell me when the date is a group project.”

She laughed. Then she hugged me. Then she whispered, “Sorry about my family. They’re just protective.”

I nodded. But in my head, I was planning to block her and join a monastery.

But guess what?

That night, she sent me a text: “Thanks for coming. My family really liked you.”

I replied, “I liked them too.” (That was a lie.)

Then she said, “Next week they want us to visit my father’s side of the family. Don’t worry, it’s just a small gathering.”

Small gathering?

No thank you.

And that’s the story of how my simple lunch date turned into a whole family reunion with a job interview and ex-boyfriend drama inside 😭😂.

THE END